April Fuzz Day – Mustache Memories

The Book: The Book of Bert – High-Class Stars with Some High-Class ‘Stache
The Authors: Jon Chattman and Rich Tarantino
The Occasion: April Fuzz Day, the release of the book!
The Publicist: Mr. Oren Phillips
The Guerrilla Mustache Marketers: Joselly, Joe, Max, Shira and Plotkin – all mustached.

This morning was like every other morning. I got up, showered, brushed my teeth, dressed, put on my makeup & lipstick, and finally, applied my stick-on mustache. Wait a minute – scratch that – this morning was different.

The day began with us rushing to catch the tail end of the Today Show at 30 Rock, where R.E.M was playing as the first band in a series of musical acts for their spring/summer concert series. There was a massive crowd surrounding R.E.M and we couldn’t even see the stage. So we just began handing out mustaches. Everyone who was within arms’ reach of us got a free mustache from our crew of merry mustachioed freaks. Some people took the mustaches willingly; others declined and gave us dirty looks. The press-on ‘staches had The Book of Bert’s website on the back. The website actually takes you right to The Cheap Pop site, which has information on the book.

After we handed out what seemed like hundreds of mustaches, we zoomed around the corner and – whoops! – bumped into none other than Mike Mills, the voice behind the voice for REM. There was a small, yet dense and determined crowd surrounding him. People were trying to get pictures, autographs, or perhaps even to steal a kiss (Jon?). Jon was somehow able to finagle his way through everyone and handed Mike Mills The Book of Bert, and told him to take his new book about mustaches, so he could “have something to read on the plane.” Sure enough, Mike Mills acknowledged Jon, took the book, and ducked into his limo. For all we know, right now he’s at 40,000 feet, ignoring turbulence while reading about musical genius Freddie Mercury’s facial hair.

Afterwards, we walked over a few blocks to meet up with photographer extraordinaire Mike DiScuillo and the TMZ crew, where they were patiently waiting to snap a picture of American Idol finalist Chickezie (does his name mean “the chicks think I’m easy”?). The girls dig him, ’cause he’s Chickezie – like a Sunday mornin’.

When we got there, a couple of tourists from Alberta, Canada asked us what was going on, so of course we told them about The Book of Bert, and had them apply mustaches and pose for the cameras. As it turns out, the woman’s second son’s name is Bert. Is this a mere coincidence? You decide. Well, they are from Al-BERT-a. Hmmm…

All of a sudden there was a ruckus and we knew Chickezie was on his way. When we caught him, Jon asked, “How do you think Simon would look with a mustache?” Chickezie replied, “I don’t know man, but I’d like to see that!” Personally, I think that Simon Cowell would look much better with a mustache.

Then we walked to the corner to hand out a few more mustaches to the unsuspecting public. It was a marketing frenzy! Joe was helping to document April Fuzz Day, and Joselly, sporting her lovely lady-stache (don’t worry boys, it’s removable) was giving mustaches out and talking to people about the book. Plotkin, a natural with children, rocked his naturally-grown ‘stache when he spotted an entire group of middle school kids on a field trip and started giving them mustaches. “Read the Book of Bert!” shouted Plotkin. Reading is fundamental – start ‘em young!

Suddenly, we found ourselves low on fake mustaches. Max left to go to buy some more at the $.99 cents store in order to re-stock our ‘stache stash. We parted ways for now.

Next stop – Sirius Radio, home of Howard Stern! Still wearing my mustache, I was lucky enough to tag along with Rich and Jon to the airing of the Frank DeCaro Show, where they were interviewed by Frank and Doria Biddle about The Book of Bert and mustaches in pop culture.

While waiting before the show in the green room, we see a number of people walk back and forth through the studio door, which has an awesome logo of a stylized fist, simply saying, “Howard”. It was easy to see that Howard Stern is Sirius Radio.

As I stood by the open glass door to the green room, I spot Robin Quivers, Howard’s radio mate for well over two decades. She looks absolutely lovely, and strangely, younger than ever. I said, “Hi Robin!” and much to my delight, she smiled at me and said hi back! She didn’t seem to be swayed by the fact that I was wearing a mustache.

We also saw other members of the Stern posse roaming the halls. While I didn’t see Gary Dell’Abate, his mustache is featured in The Book of Bert. The book even got a mention on Howard Stern’s page at Sirius.com!

Then all of a sudden we see George Takai, Star Trek icon and Heroes star, pop out of the station and pass by the green room – but not before Jon politely pulled him aside with a handshake and identified him out loud, “George Takai!” Jon introduced himself and Rich, and told him about The Book of Bert. With my ambidextrous talents, I simultaneously took a picture of George Takai who was holding the book while he stood in between Jon and Rich, and I videotaped them at the same time. In his sexy baritone voice, George Takai points to the book and exclaims, “The Book of Bert!” and confirms with delicate machismo, “That’s it.” This mustached gal is smitten!

Then Rich and Jon were finally called into the studio for the show. The authors left me to my own devices as I hung out in the green room, which actually wasn’t green, with my free bottled water. Apparently, once you cross the green room threshold, you instantly get free water or Red Bull, your choice. And this one guy kept coming in and asking if anyone wanted rainforest coffee. Fancy! The radio was on in the green room and the nice lady who is the Sirius liaison asked me if I wanted it tuned into Frank DeCaro’s show, so I said yes, please.

There I met a number of people who were waiting to talk to Howard on his show. The first person was Eric, a tall, broad-shouldered black guy listening to his ipod. I introduced myself and he laughed and asked me about my mustache. Wow, this is turning out to be a great conversation starter! Eric soon thereafter got called from the green room to go on the air.

Then later, three guys came in – one was American and two were from the U.K. I find out later that the two from England are in a band called Groove Armada and were waiting to be interviewed by Howard to promote their new CD. They talked to each other about what their plans were for the day (promotional stuff for their new album) and what they will discuss on Howard. They asked me about my mustache and a conversation about The Book of Bert ensued. I asked the tall Armada guy what he plays (thinking he would answer my question with an instrument or two), and instead I get the English-accented answer, “We make records.” Um, oh, ok – pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon? Then I asked him if I could video tape him saying “Hi I’m in Groove Armada and I read The Book of Bert.” But he declined – rather abruptly, I might add. As the old Howard Stern from air-wave radio might have said, what an A-hole! Dude, I’m sticking with Gulden’s. The two guys in the band were somewhat aloof, but their manager was nice.

As we sat in the green room, the amenities guy came in and asked the band if they wanted some rainforest coffee. Then another guy came in to say hi to the band, so I just introduced myself along with everyone else, even though I am not in Groove Armada. He sees my mustache and tells me that he saw tons of people earlier this morning wearing fake mustaches in Rockefeller Center. Yay! Our work paid off! Minutes later after that guy left the room, the band and I see people walk by with all sorts of weird props. The first two people carried in what seemed to be a life-sized rocket ship, even though I first identified it as a giant keg. Then some other people carried two large fake boulders into the station. And then I realized, something very phallic is going on at Sirius Radio.

In the end, Groove Armada did ask me for some fake mustaches and the manager wished me good luck just before they left. Maybe they talked to Howard about the weirdness that goes on in the green room – including seeing a woman wearing a fake mustache! Anything is possible…

Later Rich & Jon came back into the green room when they were done. Jon reportedly saw Howard himself, quickly walking down the hall, ducking into the men’s room. I missed it!

We also bumped into a woman named "Blue Iris," who is a 60-year-old former porn star. She is apparently on Howard Stern all the time - er, I mean - she is on his show all the time. A quote on her Myspace page states, "I am Blue Iris. I used to do midget and giant black cock porn. Now I am a stand-up comic with the Ding Dong Show! I am trying to make it big!!" My mother would be so proud.

Earlier that morning, Jon had told me that he and Rich were able to score a top PR man. Jon told me all about his award-winning publicist, Oren Phillips. Oren apparently brushes elbows with the best of them and gets a lot of high-voltage gigs for his clients. I actually saw him play beer pong once – he seemed pretty down to earth.

After the taping of the radio show, the woman who was the liaison at Sirius told Jon that earlier she shot an email over to his publicist Oren about something important, but all I could think of was Mr. Phillips poorly aiming and missing, and having to drink a cupful of Labatts Blue.

After the show, we meet up again with Joselly, Joe and Plotkin. We are all starving! Actually, we were just very hungry – starving is a socio-economic issue. So we head down to Brother Jimmy’s and have some lunch.

After we ate, we headed to - um, I just can’t remember our destination because the whole day is a blur - but we were walking behind Madison Square Garden when all of a sudden Jon spotted Richard Jenkins of Six Feet Under fame getting into his car. Jon stopped him and said hello, and told him about The Book of Bert. He gave him a copy and Richard Jenkins said to him, “You should be selling this (implying that Jon shouldn’t be giving away the book for free)!” Richard Jenkins has a point.

Then we walked down the street a little further and caught an entire line of elephants linked trunk-to-tail, wearing Barnum and Bailey headgear. This is not a joke. They were being led around the stadium and into a parking garage. The elephants were followed by two clowns – they were really moseying like clowns and waved to us as they wobbled on by. The day is officially surreal. Remind me not to join the circus (although I’d take a job at Sirius Radio).

Then we go to hand out more mustaches everywhere again – we hit the Late Night with Conan O’Brian audience at 30 Rock. There we met one of the NBC guards, where we offered him a free mustache (gotta get on the guards’ good sides!) and in return he told us he’s in a comedy troupe and could really use some of these. Watch – maybe one day this guy will be the next John Belushi. Not that I would wish that on anyone. You never know who you are going to meet!

After that, we headed to the Late Show with David Letterman. There is an audience line forming to go see Dave, but we take a walk around the building to the side entrance where we know Senator John McCain will be entering.

Just before we get to the side entrance, Jon stops in at the Hello Deli and gives the woman behind the counter a couple of mustaches; I then notice the man behind the counter – Rupert – the owner of Hello Deli and strangely – a frequent, awkward guest on the Letterman show. Jon tells them about The Book of Bert and then we head to the side entrance to wait for McCain.

We hang out with the paparazzi and some McCain fans who wanted their McCain 8x10 GOP’s (glossy old photos) signed by the presidential hopeful, plus one Hillary Clinton supporter (I know this because she announced it to the general public when she arrived) who was strangely fervent about catching a glimpse of McCain (I envisioned a scenario where she tries to tackle McCain and take him down as he gets out of the car – but that did not happen). Once he arrived - to my surprise - I was able to get a decent picture of him. Sure, he’s holding a coffee cup and not looking directly at the camera, but it’s still a picture!

Jon proclaimed this a victorious day by saying that in promoting The Book of Bert, we were able to amass some key people: “An American Idol, an American Senator, and just an American (the latter referring to either Mike Mills or Mr. George Takai, although I’m not sure which).”

By this time we are all exhausted, and I have developed a splitting headache (probably because I skipped breakfast – which always throws me off). I am so thirsty; I must get some water, so I go back to the Hello Deli and get some Poland Spring and a pack of Tylenol. The woman recognizes me from earlier and laughs at the mustache I’m wearing. She asks again what the mustaches are for, and I tell her about The Book of Bert. She then asks, “What’s the book about?” And Rupert, who is kneeling on the floor stocking items behind the counter, says, “It’s a book about mustaches!”

We then meet up with Max again, who saved the day with his newly purchased and freshly labeled pack of $.99 cent mustaches. He showed up with them stapled to Rich’s Book of Bert promo, and they looked great. We walked around looking for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, which had apparently moved since any of us had seen Jon Stewart live in the late 1990’s. Finally, we found the building where they tape The Daily Show and inundated the people standing in line with fake mustaches. Out of all the groups of people we approached today, The Daily Show fans seemed the most eager to receive a free mustache.

Finally, we reach the end of an exhausting day. We are almost out of mustaches and are ready to bring the day to a close and head back to Grand Central.

As we are walking back, we bump into one guy, looking like he’s coming home from work, who notices me wearing a mustache. It peaks his interest, so we offer him a free mustache. His face lit up as we told him about The Book of Bert and that he can go to the website, www.thebookofbert.com, to learn more. For some reason, I think this made his day.

Rich, Jon and I agreed later that he seemed little too happy to receive a free mustache.